League News

Division Previews: Ed Martin

 

Ambinder • Mattu • McCollough • Rosen • Schick • Williamson

 

Shyamalan School of the Arts Blockbusters

Owner: Eric Ambinder
Accomplishments: 23-24 record, 1 playoff berth
2011 probable starters: QB Robert Griffin, RB Joseph Randle, RB Ronnie Wingo Jr., WR Connor Vernon, WR Jeremy Ebert, K Dustin Hopkins, D USC Trojans
Best draft pick: Joseph Randle, Round 5
Worst draft pick: Brandon Williams, Round 1

Eric Ambinder is purging. I mean, not literally. I suppose it's possible that he's actually purging, cause the man played a mean beer pong, and law school only increases one's affinity for the drink. And while he is undoubtedly an alcoholic still holding onto the dream of a Bob Sugar handing over the career of a budding supplemental draft choice to him, law school also made him a closet Gator fan. We know the boy still bleeds maize and blue, but the sunshine stater secretly chomps on Saturdays when its convenient I bet. And really who can blame him? He was there for two national championships and who couldn't love Tim Tebow? The dude almost made me a Christian.

Alas. Those days are gone. No longer is Percy Harvin anchoring the slash position at the School of the Arts. Gone the way of the draft bust are John Brantley and Andre Debose, no longer viable to rebuild a team since vanquished after choking away its best championship opportunity last year. The team, the Gators, and the man behind the team with all the Gators, have been purged. And based on draft strategy, Ambinder is already waving the white flag.

Dude went young. Real young. He drafted just one upperclassmen in the first six rounds, Connor Vernon, who may end up being the team's most consistent contributor. He'll most likely be starting across from another upperclassman, Jeremy Ebert out of Northwestern. The only underclassman who is likely to give him steady production is Joseph Randle. Which like, seriously people, you let Oklahoma State's sophomore running back fall to the 5th round? Shame on all of us. Ambinder also had the foresight to work the wavier wire for Knile Davis's likely replacement.

Past those guys, good luck. Ambinder has almost no depth. Now don't get me wrong. I love em young. I love em fresh. And I love them inexperienced. (It's a good ego boost to feel like you've taught them something.) But this is a 2011 season preview. Things will be different in 2012, but who knows this year. Ambinder reached for Brandon Williams, not even the best freshmen RB on the board. Lamar Miller could be awesome on the U's sinking ship. Jamal Turner might end up with an actual position this year. All those italicized words sum up my romantic relationship with the pride of the Michigan Daily, Ellen McGarrity. They do not make for a good fantasy team. Back to the consolation bracket you go Shyamalan School of the Arts.

 

Prison Mike's School of Hard Knocks

Owner: Sharad Mattu
Accomplishments: 34-13 record, 5 playoff berths, 2 titles
2011 probable starters: QB Geno Smith, RB LaMichael James, RB Cyrus Gray, WR Alshon Jeffery, WR Tavon Austin, K Derek Dimke, D Stanford Cardinal
Best draft pick: Tyler Wilson, Round 7
Worst draft pick: Geraldo Boldewijn, Round 3

The King is Dead. Long Live the King. Mr. Mattu is the king. He smack talked me in the championship last year, and he backed it up. It was a boring championship he was so dominant last year. He has made the playoffs every year this arbitrary and existentially meaningless league has existed. When we saw that Sharad's returning roster had exactly two players on it, it looked like the sun had set on his mystical imaginary empire. But since two other athletic directors in the Ed Martin have already self-imposed a one year playoff ban on their programs, I'll be damned if the King doesn't have another year in him.

If you're only going to return two players to a team, fucking bring back LaMichael James and Alshon Jeffery. Those two might be the reason why Sharad never seemed to be in a rebuilding frame of mind during the draft. That, or he's just more confident in his drafting ability than Ambinder and Williamson. Or those two were drunk the entire draft. Having two cornerstones on board already, Mattu went out and found QB's in Geno Smith and Tyler Wilson. Geno should benefit from having Dana Holgorsen around, and Tyler Wilson should benefit from having Knile Davis no longer around. Mattu just needed to find skill position companions for his all-world players. If it turns out he did that, hello playoffs.

The glaring problem with Mattu's roster is the way it's balanced. He essentially only has three RB's because he took out double insurance on LaMichael James. Sure, those Oregon running backs are this decade's new USC running back, but only one of them can handle the ball at a time. And in the race between Cyrus Gray and Jason Ford, Gray now has to share a backfield with a healthy Christine Michael again, and Jason Ford plays for Ron Zook. Mattu is also heavily invested in the success of West Virginia's transition to a new offense, now run by a guy whose forehead is about as tall as our old friend Dan Bremmer. If the Mountaineers falter in any way, so will Mattu.

Sharad has some elite talent, no doubt about it. He will still have weeks where he drops triple digits on unsuspecting opponents. But unless WVU immediately goes juggernaut on us or Oregon starts using two balls in play, (THAT. WOULD. BE. AWESOME.) the king may have to return his crown. For now.

 

Heartland University Grazing Steer

Owner: Brady McCollough
Accomplishments: 32-15 record, 4 playoff berths
2011 probable starters: QB Dominique Davis, RB Ray Graham, RB Andre Ellington, WR Justin Blackmon, WR Juron Criner, K Kevin Fitzpatrick, D TCU Horned Frogs
Best draft pick: Dominique Davis, Round 2
Worst draft pick: Bryce Brown, Round 4

What can you say about our fearless leader than hasn't been said before? Actually probably a lot. He leaves himself open to quite a bit. Let's rip on his twitter abilities right now shall we? Mr. Brady is the beat writer at a major metropolitan newspaper for an obsessive portion of bloodthirsty fans somewhere in Kansas. He has 2,858 followers, which like, whatever. I guess that's not bad. But by comparison, Bob Dutton, the Royals beat writer for the same publication, rakes in 7,605 followers. And the Royals suck! C'mon Brady! Let's take a sample of some of Brady's recent tweets:

"This Berglund thing is definitely odd. Never heard of a misdemeanor assault being such a big deal. #kufball" -- As a prosecutor, this is offensive.

"SI picks KU to go 1-11 this season. THAT is some disrespect right there. #kufball" -- Lying to his fanbase.

"If you love NBC's FNL and college football, a must-read from @LostLettermen. Willie Lyles as Buddy Garrity?: http://www.lostlettermen.com/8-23-2011-friday-night-lights-college-fball-matches/" -- This is a common theme. Brady loves giving props to Weber. But we know better. Brady is not that influential to his followers, nor does Jim Weber deserve such accolades. Nice try. (P.S. You guys better click on that link. Weber can't make his website a bleacher report clone unless he gets some page views!)

All in all, we've discovered that Brady has no respect for the law, is very deceiving to his main audience, and wishes he was actually witty enough to be popular on Twitter, which is why he retweets former KU beat writer Tully Corcoran all the time, because unlike Brady, Tully IS ACTUALLY FUNNY.

But we kid, we kid. We kid because we love. And we kid because we have to take Brady down a notch somehow because he kicks our ass at this fantasy stuff all the time. Dude's been politicking me about how good he thinks his team is gonna be this year, and I wasn't buying it. But unfortunately, this division might be in for a weak year. Which means again, for the umpteenth year in a row, Brady may have mortgaged away his future to live in the present, and should probably win the division. Seriously, when is it going to be the bleak miserable future for this guy?

Brady has the best starting receiving corps in the league. Period. And he has probably the best player in the league in Justin Blackmon. Never sleep on a stud receiver in this league. Barring injury or ineligibility (you never know these days right?) the receivers will carry a solid backfield. They ain't unbeatable - I think Brady swung and missed on Bryce Brown when Joseph Randle was still available in Round 4 - but they'll do the job. The Commish displayed a brilliant maneuver of draft strategy in the second round when he moved up to get Dominique Davis. He's more seasoned and statistically superior to Geno Smith, who Sharad eventually took a few spots later.

So maybe the man still has some polishing in the twitter world, but dude sure can develop talent. Sadly, I am resigned to award him 9 out of 10 arbitrary points that I just made up, and I await him in the Championship game I suppose.

 

Upper West Side University Bums

Owner: Dan Rosen
Accomplishments: 27-20 record, 3 playoff berths
2011 probable starters: QB Kyle Padron, RB David Wilson, Chris Polk, WR Marquess Wilson, WR Markus Wheaton, K Rob Beard, D Florida Gators
Best draft pick: Marquess Wilson, Round 3
Worst draft pick: Da'Rick Rogers, Round 5

Back in 20 ought 7, Rosen partook in a draft that forever left me simultaneously begrudging and respecting him for the rest of eternity. In that draft, he had the number 1 overall pick and I had the number 3 overall pick. We both needed wide receivers that year, badly. It was that year that I met my fantasy football gemini twin. I don't know if we use the same fantasy guides or covet the same skill sets and vital statistics, or just hire the same Willie Lyles-ish recruiting services. But in the '07 draft, Rosen drafted Jarret Dillard first overall, whom I highly coveted. I had to draft Adarius Bowman (bust, traded him mid-season). In the second round, he drafted Michael Crabtree as a freshman(!), whom I highly coveted and didn't even think other people knew about. My prized freshman gone, I drafted Arrelious Benn instead (semi-bust.) In 2009, he drafted Lyle Leong in the 4th round, which made me cuss very loudly at the selection. (Kinda glad I didn't get that guy in retrospect.) He later nabbed DeVier Posey in the 8th round who I hoped would fall into the free agent pool. And last year, he took TJ Jones and Deonte Thompson directly in front of me. Two picks I had in the on-deck circle until he fucked it up. No one has pissed me off more in the history of college fantasy football than Dan Rosen, and that's only because I think he's a smart man.

Because I was done drafting skill positions in the 3rd round this year, Rosen didn't have a chance to piss me off. But he sooooo would have. Had Darius Johnson not been available to me, I was so drooling over Marquess Wilson and Markus Wheaton. And I thought Da'Rick Rogers was a great draft pick. I only ding him as Rosen's worst draft pick because I think the guy is so under the radar that he could have waited a round before drafting him. That would have allowed Rosen to draft Kellen Moore in Round 5, which would have been a much better addition to his roster instead of E.J. Manuel, who he eventually ended up with at the QB slot. By the way, he also got a running back stud in the first round with David Wilson, but that was a pretty academic pick.

In my opinion, nobody gets better value for his young picks than Dan Rosen. (Except maybe me.) The dude is obviously scouring deep into rosters for potential talent. But because he builds his teams the same way as me, I know the setbacks to his methods. Sometimes, your young players don't develop like they're supposed to. (See some of the above picks that historically pissed me off.) This is just the cost of doing business. The way his program is built now, as it's always built, is a contender in waiting. If enough pieces fall into place, it wouldn't be surprising if Rosen pulled off a division championship. But that takes a lot of good fortune. Instead, football and probability will probably happen instead. Wilson will get injured, Rosen will never be able to make the right choice on a week-to-week basis between Zach Collaros and Padron, and all those wide receivers won't quite be the all-conference players we both imagined them to be. But he'll still be fine. Rosen has balanced depth up and down the roster. I will make a markedly specific prediction for the Bums this year: Tied for third in the division with a 6-4 record, another playoff berth on a tiebreaker, but knocked out of the first round. Punch it. Rack it. Frame it.

 

Southern Michigan University Sharks

Owner: Brian Schick
Accomplishments: 12-35 record, 1 playoff berth
2011 probable starters: QB Bryan Ellis, RB Trent Richardson, RB Vick Ballard, WR Lance Lewis, WR D.J. Woods, K Matt Hogan, D Penn State Nittany Lions
Best draft pick: Vick Ballard, Round 2
Worst draft pick: James Sims, Round 7

Back on May 29, 2011, Brian Schick got hitched. So most importantly, congrats to Brian for finding someone who will put up with you the rest of your life. It's a real gift, soulmate, etc., blah blah blah. Just a week earlier, I was also wed to one of the loves of my life, or at least the most recent one who I could put a ring on. I'm unfamiliar with Williamson and Reynold's marital status, but I think that brings the grand total of married former Daily Sportsers up to.....2? Is that right? Seriously? What is wrong with the rest of you? Aren't some of you guys like 30 by now? What do your mothers think of you? I would have sworn there would be at least 3 Dunst-Hunt children by now. I mean, Schick makes sense. He's smart, balanced, will soon possess several degrees. Eventually someone was going to realize he was a stable mate. But I'm freaking married. I'm a terrible person. You wouldn't believe some of the horrible shit I've done since college, and I still managed to tie the knot. What does that say about the rest of you?

Anyway, I digress. I guess the point is that Schick and I are now at a natural disadvantage to fantasy strategize because we have a person who lives under the same roof. If we spend just a little too long staring into the laptop, our spouses pounce on us, and shoot their invisible guilt-beaming rays into us. And instead of looking up the stats of Justin Hunter's outstanding game against Ole Miss last year, we just go on a walk with the dog and the wife instead. See? Natural disadvantage. HOWEVA. Despite Schick's automatic downgrade as a fantasy player, he is in as fantastic a position as he has ever been to return to glory. The Sharks have not made the playoffs since the league's inaugural year in 2006. (I take part of the blame because I once made him take Juice Williams for a 1st round pick.) Last year was a low point: 0-10. Rich Rodriguez was probably the coach. I assume.

But in 2011, Schick posses two top-5 skill position players in Trent Richardson and Lance Lewis. His patience in Trent Richardson and Seth Doege may actually pay off this year, since they will actually start on their respective teams after like 8 years on the Southern Michigan roster. Schick doesn't have the greatest draft record, but this year it seems he did what needed to be done. Perhaps sensing the opportunity for victory, he drafted senior-senior-senior with Lewis, Vick Ballard, and DJ Woods. All should start for him. He got a QB of the future in James Franklin and took a pretty safe flyer on Justin Wilson. He botched an otherwise flawless draft by taking a Jayhawk, when backup Oregon RB's and other young promising backs were still out there, but whatevs, shouldn't hurt him too bad.

With a new greater emphasis on QB scoring in the league, Schick is really going to need one of his signal callers to step up. None of them are proven world beaters, although they all have offenses that can produce. He may have a tough time figuring out who to rely on starting the season, which could cost him valuable points for a few weeks. (Hey Schick. Come week 4, let's talk.) Schick is going to be fighting Mattu and Rosen for two playoff spots probably. I already put Rosen in on a tiebreaker and Mattu has a slightly more talented starting lineup, which unfortunately makes Schick the odd-man out by my rudimentary calculations. But it will be close. And by God, I will be rooting for the married webmaster every step of the way. We're all sort of journalists here. You know it makes for the best story.

 

Mississippi Tech Wigsplitters

Owner: Jacob Williamson
Accomplishments: 13-34, 1 playoff berth
2011 probable starters: QB Nathan Scheelhaase, RB ???? ?????, RB ???? ?????, WR ????? ?????, WR ???? ?????, K Zack Hocker, D Alabama Crimson Tide
Best draft pick: Whichever freshman actually pans out
Worst draft pick: Nathan Scheelhaase, Round 3

Having never met Jacob, it's difficult for me to psychologically break down his inner workings. That would be really valuable background information right now to figure out what was going on in his head during this mess. I really only have one, disturbing interaction with the man that might lead me to figure out what makes him tick. Last year he contacted me about a trade. He queried me about the availability of Terrelle Pryor for his third round pick.......and his second round pick this year. I parlayed those picks into Landry Jones and another trade which became Darius Johnson and Brady's 2nd rounder next year. All this for Terrelle Pryor. It begs the question: What kind of sick sick man puts his faith in Terrelle Pryor?

Maybe I'm just looking at this through Michigan-tinted glasses, a handicap this southern gentleman never has to deal with. However we all know that Michigan-tinted glasses are smarter and more elite than any other glasses, so it's actually Williamson who is working with the handicap. That's obvious because he has faith in Terrelle Pryor. So how can we take this maladjusted, misplaced belief and relate it to his 2011 draft?

I mean, you can't really, except for the obvious lack in decision-making ability. Maybe the man reached his breaking point. Williamson had a supposedly stacked team talent-wise last year, but they meekly performed to a 5-5 finish. Perhaps the betrayal of Terrelle Pryor last year, coupled with the continuing draft-bustedness of former No. 1 pick Bryce Beall, further coupled with the general suckness of the rest of his team moved the man to a place we can't understand. Williamson returned very little of use this year besides a few sophomores still waiting to meet their potential (they probably won't) so at some point he decided to blow it all up. Somewhere along the trail of broken promises and free tattoos, a man made a choice. And now he has to live with that choice for an entire season.

Six freshmen and two sophomores join the Wigsplitters this year. All of them highly touted, some with actual chances of making a contribution. I don't have the slightest clue which one of them will contribute yet, and I doubt neither does Jacob. Since he surely isn't concerned with strategy this year, he's probably taking the time to construct a dartboard containing names in each of the sections, with which he will use to create his starting lineups. Random chance is probably his best strategy anyway. Since I had to take some kind of issue with his drafting, I criticized the addition of Nathan Scheelhaase because, well, he plays for Ron Zook and Taylor Martinez was still on the board. (Thanks for that by the way.) The man is a Zooker and has probably already hit his ceiling of potential, but hey, at least the guy isn't an upperclassman yet, right?

I know I'm probably talking out of two sides of my mouth right now, one of the biggest advocates of drafting freshmen around. But this is like Saito buying the entire airline in Inception when all he had to do was buy out the first class cabin. It makes for a good throw-away joke at the time (or 14 in this case) but the guy just bought a fucking airline! What the hell is he gonna do with that? This economy blows. Have you seen fuel prices lately? What the hell is he gonna charge for checked bags on that thing? In Jacob's case, probably 3 of these freshmen will eventually become All-Americans or something. As he is raising the 2013 nonexistant FCFL trophy over his head, we will cite him as a genius with a brilliant eye for talent, and forget all about the draft busts and transfers and tattoos he left in his wake. But as for 2011? Only Inception can help him now.